Did I Really Just Say That??

As a parent and a teacher there have been many times where I've stopped and asked myself: "Did I really just say that?"  I'm not talking about the times where I realized I sounded like my mother (although there have been many), or where I have let slip a "bad" word (never in the classroom, but at home..."No Joey!  I said "crab"... "ohh crab..." he he).  I'm not referring to the cliches of parenting that I swore I'd never use like: "I'll turn this car around right now!"  I mean those times where I cannot believe such a weird or disgusting sounding sentence has come out of my mouth.  Let me give you an example from the other day when I found my 3 year old smashing ants with his toy elephant: "Oh great Joe!  Now I have to clean ant guts off your elephant's feet!"
Later, as I stood at the sink scrubbing said elephant's feet, I thought about how completely crazy I would've sounded to anyone walking by at that moment.  Then I started wondering how many other of my friends who have or work with kids have experienced the same thing.  So I asked in the mommy chatrooms and on Facebook.  Then I laughed for days as hilarious and crazy things kept coming in from the wonderful and courageous women (no men responded) who take care of and mold the future generation.  I've put them into loose categories:

THE "PLEASE DON'T"S

Please don’t lick the windows.

Stop licking the couch.

Don’t lick the flour in the dustpan!

Don’t eat the toilet paper.

Don’t dip your toothbrush in the toilet.

You do not feed boogers to your brother!

THE PETS 

Don’t pull the dog’s private part.

What was Daddy doing while you were feeding chocolate sauce to the cat? (answer: playing golf on the x-box)

Please don’t lie on the cat! (40 x a day)

Don’t lick the cat.

THE POOPS

Where did you have the accident?  Did the dog eat it?

Are those leaves and paper in your poop?

If you want to hold the poop, hold it nicely or not at all!

Where is the poop?

Yay!! Poop!!!

THE PRETENDS

Peanut butter is not shampoo.

Chalk is not lipstick.

Yogurt is not lotion.

Penaten is not paint.

THE PRIVATES (or what sounds like it!)

Put down your balls and wash your hands for lunch.

No sweetie, don’t lick the balls. (In a ball pit)

Honey, please stop touching your penis while you’re eating.

To a 2 year old penis grabber: Leave it alone, you have other toys to play with.

Babies don’t eat nipples, Pumpkin, they drink from them.

No honey, babies don’t drink soy milk out of their mommies’ boobs.

THE UNCATEGORIZE-ABLE

How about you bang your head on the part of the wall without pictures?

No, honey, you have had enough broccoli.

Take my bra off your face, you are not a bumblebee.

Put my finger in your mouth.

No you can’t sleep in the hallway, go back to bed.

Are those boogers in your hair?

AND HANDS DOWN, MY FAVOURITE:

Don’t talk about blue waffles, that is inappropriate… and don’t ask me how I know that.

Try not to think that forty years from now, when you're having a hip replacement, someone might've once said to your surgeon: "Oh yuck! Did you seriously just lick the gym floor?"  (Because if I'm the proud mama of that surgeon that's not the worst he's licked!)